for you to hear: March 2004

Here I am, "studying" with Kim . . . also known as wasting my time until she is done checking her e-mail

I am now experimenting with tag boards, as you will see by glancing to the right hand side of the screen. I think that this could be potentially interesting however it might interfere with my thought processes and then it would have to be removed. Or, a more likely story, I may just keep messing up the html codes . . . I love meddling with this stuff.

Last night I stayed up really late studying for the psychology exam that I thought was taking place in class today. Turns out that my instructor decided to move the test to Friday so I still have plenty of time to work all of that information into my permanent memory banks. That was a good feeling showing up to class ready to take the test only to discover that it had been moved to Friday. Now there were several people who seemed rather irritated at the entire situation and that I do not understand because if you know the material why does it matter if you are tested now or later? On the other hand if they did not yet know the material they now have extra time . . . I see no downside to this. I lost sleep staying up to finish my preparation (which I am sure that I will be grumbling at work about this evening, sorry Javier), but ultimately I felt prepared this morning. But you know how right before a test along with feeling prepared you just realize how much more there is to know? Well, with this extention I feel like I have been given a small opportunity to increase that knowledge base. Now, what I choose to do with that opportunity is another thing altogether but . . .

I need to go catch a bus so that I can get some stuff done, and talk with my dear friend Katy prior to my GRE study time with Kim, where by the way, we will not be studying for the GRE yet again, we are either horrible students or wonderful friends, or maybe both but the point is that during these weekly study sessions we rarely study.

I am dreading going to work tonight. I have greatly enjoyed the time off and in my absence I missed a "very important, mandatory" meeting. oops. Anyhow, I guess that things are really not going well at all, and I just want to leave, or never return as the case may be, I am very strongly tempted to walk in there with my uniform clean and pressed and turn in my keys . . . If only I were that gutsy. But I haven't found a new job yet so I will not quit until I at least have a fairly good idea of where I am going to end up. Me and my continual need for security.

I have been a little tense since yesterday's "wonderful" *insert huge amounts of sarcasm here* little visit to Dixon. No guy should ever have to endure that. Mental note: if you like the guy don't take him to Dixon. *sigh* When will I learn? Well, the damage is done, we shall see . . .
I hope.

I am trying to find some music online when I stumbled across this . . . It is too great to loose so I am keeping track of it by posting it here.
enjoy.

BeatGreets: FREE music greetings from hundreds of superstar artists!

I just heard some guy whistling in here (computer lab) he was whistling the "Scarecrow's Song" from the Wizard of Oz, I wish that I could see who it was, he is a good whistler, it brightens up my day, whistling is just so happy!

Today, has been such a bright day, even without the sun. It is warm, but drizzly and humid, but I love it, because it feels like spring.

Plus, I am not working this weekend because I took the time off so that I could go to the "Seven Laws of the Learner" seminar with Jordan . . . he had a huge presentation last night, I prayed really hard for him. I'm sure that he did just fine, he has some really great ideas and he is really good at speaking in group settings.

I'm afraid to go back to work, our new General Manager started this week, I am just hoping that she doesn't remember me from the Dixon store. Work is getting pretty ugly, when Javier quits I swear I am going to find a new job. I hate starting over. I hate being the "new" girl. However, staying there doesn't sound like a bowl full of cherries either. Ah, well, I will cross that bridge when I come to it, today is too beautiful to be spoiled by such trivial pursuits.

My best friend in the whole world is having a bad day today. She has to go to the doctor, and that involves some very painful shots. I wish that happiness could be shared or given away, I would certainly pass some of this her way. But we choose our own attitudes everyday. Today, I choose life, life that is abundant and joyful. Today, I will smile and mean it. Today, I am going to be the girl that I was not too long ago. Today, I will believe. Today, I will trust. Today, I will dream.

It is going to be a beautiful day.

Sometimes, I just can't find the words to express myself, so I play word games . . . but when I really have something to say I head to Magnetic Poetry and play online.

I really try to make everything a lot more complicated than I need to. I need to just relax. Breathe. *sigh* I will.

I was walking through the rain just a moment ago, and I couldn't have cared less that I was getting soaking wet. Most everyone around me was running to the nearest building. But I was straining to hear thunder. And I did, hear thunder, low and rumbly, far and away, but thunder. I breathed it in contentedly. I love thunderstorms. And since it is the end of March today is the perfect day to have the first thunderstorm of the season.

I love how thunderstorms can come up so suddenly or sometimes you can feel them building up for hours. I love how sometimes thunderstorms can make noon seem as dark as midnight, while other times it is so bright that you can find rainbows. I love thunderstorms. I like how some thunderstorms are cold rains on hot days, and the air feels so clean when it is done; while other times the rains are just as hot as the air and you feel trapped in a sauna at the end; or like days like today when it's only mildly warm and the rains are chilly, but you can taste spring, and the air smells like worms that you go fishing with. I love thunderstorms. I love how thunder can rumble and grow from something far off to something so very near. I love how thunder can surprise you and boom so suddenly overhead. I love how lightning streaks across the sky, and can make the darkest storms into flashes of day. I love watching thunderstorms in the distance and watching the lightning light up bits and pieces of the clouds, like twinkle lights on a Christmas tree. I love the unpredictability of a thunderstorm. I love that they can be loud and harsh but they don't last forever, the anger subsides and then there is peace, but more than just peace there is renewed life. Fresh air.

I love thunderstorms because I feel like living that honestly, instead of trying to be what everyone else wants me to be: predictable. Being my self: changing, different, oxymoronical, complicated. I like being complicated. I like being unpredictable on occasion. I like expressing myself honestly, experiencing emotions, and then settling back into the calm and consistency. It's good for me, it gives me fresh life. It spices things up. Spins worlds around. But in the end all is well. In the end the ground is soft and muddy. Perfect for digging up worms. Those fat, wiggly worms that are perfect for fishing. Fishing on those lazy, comfortable, predictable, hazy days of summer. Summer that is life. Life that is calm. The calm before the storm. The storms that I love.

I found these tests to be quite fun, a good escape from mild boredom. My favorites were the Ink Blot tests and the wedding date predictor, although I am still arguing that I should not be married by the date that they gave me, for crying out loud I don't meet people that quickly! Anyhow, it was fun.

Tickle: IQ and Personality Tests - All Tests

I was thinking about thankfulness this weekend. On my drive home from Elgin, actually. And I began to review some of the moments and times of my life when I have been truly "thankful" or when I have perceived of myself that I was thankful and I came across a most startling question. Can one be truly thankful without doubt? And I thought about it. Of all of the times that I have expressed thanks it is most often associated with a feeling of relief or unexpectedly. Kind of like, "whew! Thank goodness this happened! I was about to get worried." or "wow! Thanks! What a pleasant surprise."

Now, had I been expecting the good to happen, would I have been thankful? Not likely. Instead I would have taken it for granted, because that was what was supposed to happen, right? If I had not doubted, I would not have been thankful. It is only because I doubt that good things will happen that I am thankful when good things do happen. People who always expect the best results, are they surprised when the get the best results? Not if they truly expected the best.

Oddly, this seems to support that random but intriguing quote that I found way back when. . . "I enjoy being pessimistic, because I am either always right or I am pleasantly surprised." Does optimism produce thankfulness? I will have to continue giving this some thought.

I decided that a new and public blog would be entertaining, to myself mostly, and therefore, ta-da! This blogspot has been created especially for me. Now if only I have the dedication to keep it updated. We shall see.

for you to hear

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Monday, March 29, 2004

Friday, March 26, 2004

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Monday, March 22, 2004

Friday, March 19, 2004

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