Drown
I was just dreamily walking along the beach, minding my very own business, following the footprints made by those before me. It was nothing new. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just a steady walk. I unlaced my sandals and left them where they fell, too focused on the way the sand felt to care about keeping them. They weren't that attractive anyhow. Besides, who needs shoes on a beach? They were an odd gift that I should have exchanged upon receipt. I felt good about my decision to abandon the shoes, I laughed and flipped my hair, and added a bit more spring to my step.The sun glinting off the water caught my eye and captured my attention. I looked steadily at the horizon trying to decipher the shapes, but the sun was too bright and it stung my eyes to keep looking. I forgot them and I walked on.
I can't describe for you what it was that made me decide to enter the water. It was like a nod of encouragement, but there was no head to nod. It was like a teasing, luring smile; but there was no face. It was as if the eyes were leering, challenging me; but yet there were no eyes. I did not choose to ignore this challenge. I walked in willing.
The surf washed over my bare feet sending refreshing shivers up my spine. I hadn't imagined that the water would be so cold. I realized that the hot sand had caused my feet to burn quite badly and I was thankful for the cool rush. The first few steps were soft and welcome. When the water was at my knees the sand ended and my feet started to slip on the smooth stones. It was here that I noticed the blisters. My initial thought was that the sandals had caused the blisters. I cursed them under my breath, angry at the pain. But no sooner had the curses left my lips than a blush crept into my cheeks, the shame of the false accusation falling hard. I knew that the sandals were not the source of the pain, it was my walk without them; my feet had blistered from the harsh sands.
Scanning the beach I realized that I had walked quite far without them. I should have gone back to get them, but I did not. I waded in deeper. When the water reached my stomach I sharply inhaled, it was shockingly frigid. For a long moment I was unable to move, unable to breathe, I counted my heartbeats waiting for it to pass, my arms and legs began to shake and I adopted chicken skin. I glanced doubtfully at the sun wondering how its rays could burn the sands and ignore the sea. Hatefully, I plunged in deeper. The rocks under my feet became sharp, the icy water numbed my senses and I rushed over them, moving faster than I thought was possible at this shoulder depth. It seemed as if I had reached a pateau of sorts, an icy, sharp, level sea. I looked behind me...but the shore was gone. I was surrounded by sea.
The coldness now sunk in deep. This COLD no longer simply affected my skin, it was being absorbed in my muscles, each limb started to ache with the pain of it. Shivering I turned around, but there was no place to go. I stumbled over jagged rocks that tore at my feet. I fell often in my haste, scraping my knees, my elbows, my shoulders. I wouldn't cry. Wouldn't give him the satisfaction. I was fine. I stumbled on. I thought of my sandals, what a sweet relief they would be on these bloody feet. I thought of the hot sands that I had wished away, mocking my own foolishness. I tried to remember just what hot felt like, but it was only a wisp of a memory, I clung to it fearing that it would fail to exist if I did not.
I was lost. An endless expanse of shoulder-deep, arctic sea, covering an equally endless sea of piercing rocks. I turned slowly...all was horizon, all was like glass. I walked on for moments or for days, I will never know...but suddenly my feet grazed over sand. Joy shot through my entire being as I hastily moved into such a soft and welcoming bit of comfort. But when I stood on the sand I had to tilt my head back to be able to breathe, for the water here was deeper. I couldn't swim, so I balanced on my tip toes in the sand rejoicing to be free of the rocks.
This joy was short lived as the water grew deeper. I was seemingly chained to the sand, unwilling to climb back to the rocks and the pain, but unable to breathe. I held my breathe and my ears started to ring...1 minute without air... my eyes began to sting...3 minutes without air... my lungs began to burn from the pressure...7 minutes...I was dizzy and loosing consciousness but I would not go back to the rocks. I closed my eyes to keep the world from spinning around me and then came the visions. I could see truth with my eyes closed. The reality was not the ocean, reality was behind my eyes. Startled my eyes flew open...still stinging from the lack of oxygen and the salt water...9 minutes without air...I closed my eyes, just a rest, I explained wearily. Instantly I could see a world that I knew but had forgotten in the sea, I was standing on a high cliff overlooking the reality of my life, there was a small village below me with primitive huts and open fires. Dirty children ran, laughing through the paths, dogs barked at nothing in particular, and I bent was over a garden pulling weeds. I watched from a distance as I sat back on my knees and wiped the sweat from my forehead. I opened my eyes, to the stinging salt water, and lack of air, but now there was a new taste of sweat. I opened my mouth to breathe and the ocean closed in on me, to save my life, I closed my eyes one last time. I walked down from that mountain and began to pull weeds.
And now, if I open my eyes I will drown.
posted by Trisha @ 4:52 PM
