Kate's (John's?) Party
It was Kate's party tonight, or was it? Basically we were all there to meet John, so maybe it was his party. I, for one, am still in denial that she is actually going anyplace, anytime soon. But maybe that is just me.She asked me what I thought, she should know better.
For one thing, I didn't really even meet the poor guy. I mean I shook his hand, generally nodded in his direction at random points throughout the evening but really I was just soaking up InterVarsity people whom I had not seen in forever. I had missed them greatly and it was so good to get to hang out with them again. I suppose that this is probably a fault of mine: always navigating to the old and familiar instead of reaching out and embracing the new. For while it is true that I have not seen these near and dear friends in quite some time, it is perhaps more important that this may be one of the only times that I ever have to get to know this man that my friend is going to marry.
Point two, in why Kate should know better is that I highly avoid making a judgment on a person so soon in the game. She expects me to give a thumbs up or a thumbs down after one event? I don't think so. What if tonight was a really bad night for John? Or what if this was his version of sucking up? Nope. I will save my judgment call for later, thank-you very much.
Number three, is why does she care anyhow? Is she going to marry him or isn't she? Now in one respect I get it. It is good to have your friends'/family's approval...however, would my opinion change her mind, one way or the other? I should certainly hope not. She is the one that has to live with him...not me. She is the one that talks with him. She is the one that knows him. My opinion is trivial at best, no matter how strong our friendship is. Which leads me right into...
Point four, being that if I were to have a negative opinion how could I express that to her? I love her. And she has made it more than clear on several occasions that she plans to marry this boy. It is the age old problem, where your friend tells you that they have just broken up with or been dumped by their boyfriend only to hear from all of their closest friends "good, he wasn't good enough for you anyway." or "I never did like him" or "he just didn't seem your type." Why was this never mentioned to the girlfriend while she was in the relationship? Two reasons: 1) would she have listened? Love may not be blind but it is most assuredly deaf. 2) What would happen to the friendship if she decided to stay with the "dumb boy" or marry him even? The friendship would be limited at best...or more likely, aborted entirely.
Kate has set us up. There is no way to tell her the truth unless we agree with her whole heartedly. Because to reject John is not to dislike a temporary whim, but to disapprove of her husband, her one flesh. She has already made it clear to all of us that any doubts that she may have- we are not worthy to hear. She loves her story. She loves her boy. She wants us to approve, as a formality.
I never have been good at falling into the lockstep of formality, it is all too foreign to me. Kate knows that. That is why she got a non-answer in response to her question. She knows better. I cannot approve, just to approve. I cannot reject, just to reject. And I am forced to hide my feelings just in case they should offend my friend.
This blog probably offends her. Kate, if you are still reading this thing, I love you. I love the people who love you, no matter who they are. And that, my dear, is the only answer that you are getting from me tonight.
posted by Trisha @ 7:36 PM
