Vanity and idolatry
I have been trying to root out the source of my commitment phobia, especially as it pertains to relationships. I see no real reason for me to have plunged so deeply into this pool of isolated feelings and guarded hearts. I have been hurt. But I have suffered pain that is far less then the average person. My failed relationships have been of little consequence. I didn't really care that much at any given point. So where did all of the calloused hardness come from?I was walking in the rain today. A good place to be when you are dealing with such vanity. I theorize that maybe my vanity is the exact source of my withdrawal. It is not as I have assumed: that others have hurt me to the point where I cower from closeness. I have no real horror stories to tell. Just stupid adolescent misplacement. Rather I have failed myself. I had a dream. Perhaps it was childish. Innocent. Naive. Impossible. But now I feel that it could never be, because of my adolescent stupidity. And therefore I have killed my own dream. Wounded my own self to the point where I no longer desire the end result without the means that I had dreamed of.
It's all about the process. It's all about the journey. The end result and the destination are important for they define the way. However life isn't in the finale it's in the moment-to-moment.
Life is not going the way that I had planned. The way that I had dreamed it up to be. I am not holding back because of some deep hurt. I am agitated at the way I have to travel. Nevermind that the destination may remain the same. I wanted it my way. I thought that I had a better plan. I put my way above God's. In that way, I am not only vain, but Idolatrous.
posted by Trisha @ 8:16 PM
