for you to hear: September 2004

oxymoron

I could live on a compliment. I have such a hard time accepting praise, I don't feel worthy. I am an oxymoron.

Progress Reports

I am not answering my phone because my students' progress reports went home tonight in their Wednesday Folders (which I still mistakenly call Friday Folders because that is what they were called at my old school). All of my students are doing really well ... at least I think so...but maybe that is because I have more realistic expectations of them than their parents do (I am only "slightly" kidding there). I hope no one calls.

The Battle

After school today a group of my students' parents walked in together. I literally shuddered. I was terrified. Dealing with these people has been tough. But so far I have only needed to do so on a one-on-one basis. This group made a firing squad look friendly. Today was the second History Test. I can only imagine what atrocities I have committed now.

Here is the rundown up to this point...

First, I was flogged for failing to create a study guide for the test (to be distributed at least a week prior to the "big event"). I supported my position saying that as fifth graders I was preparing these students for the more independent learning styles that are required during middle school, high school and university. They persisted. I apologized, stayed up late making a study guide and distributed them the next day...three days before the test.

Next, I was assaulted as having created "worthless" study guides. Students came in parroting their parents. "I don't know how you expect me to learn anything from this" "This thing is pointless" "I don't know what to do with this" All of this after I had clearly explained to my students what to do to prepare for the test.

This is when I put on my game face. They want to play ugly and talk bad about me in front of their kids? Well, they aren't going to win! I can promise you that. I have their kids for more waking hours of the day than they do. And I am the teacher! I can be fun. We can learn while playing. They are the parents. They still have to tell their kids to get up in the morning and go to bed at night. They are the ones that have to nag about cleaning their rooms and brushing their teeth. They are the ones that don't get a break. I can win their kids. I can win this war.

So I explained the study guides again, this time with passion, with excitement, with intent. I shredded their defenses, redirected their questions, and poured the "responsibility lecture" on thick. I gave them the "I-gave-you-all-the-answers" pep talk. These kids were all smiles when they left. I could hear them greeting their parents in the hall that afternoon. "Mom, this guide isn't stupid! She gave us all the answers, we just have to learn to ask the right questions!" or "Wait till I show you how this study guide works. Its so easy! I can't believe you couldn't do this last night." and my favorite "Mom, she's the best teacher, she made studying for the test a game! I'm gonna teach you how to play and then you will like her." I'll chalk that up as a win in round two.

Today I felt like the lone target with five sniper lasers trained in on my heart. These people wanted blood. I could taste it. But luckily I was armed with school policies, test scores, and students testimonials. I had anticipated this battle (just not the overwhelming numbers). Game Face. Countdown. 5...4...3...2...Let the games begin.

"Hi! I don't usually get so many visitors. What can I do for ya'll?"
(throwing in a "ya'll" here or there makes me sound younger...almost innocent, almost!)
"we wanted to talk to you about the study guide for this test" begins the ringleader.
"sure."
*pause* (I am not going to defend something that they haven't yet attacked directly)
"Well, you can't give kids just a list of words to study for a test"
"I didn't give them 'just a list of words' I gave them the answers"
"You did what?"
"I gave them the answers to the test."
"Why would you do that?"
"So that they can study all of the right things. That is the point of a study guide."
"But isn't that cheating?"
"Of course not! The questions are in a random order on the test and it is the idea that counts"
"the idea?"
"Yes! You see in fifth grade we don't simply want the students to regurgitate information that is given them...we want them to be able to apply what they know. So I gave them the answers or all of the key ideas from every question on the test so that they could study those ideas and then when they get the test all they have to do is apply what they already know to be true to the question that I ask them."
"Well, how do you know that this will work?"
"your kids told me"
"Excuse me?"
"Your kids. They proved to me that it would work by getting mostly A's and B's"
*sudden clamoring or demands for their student's score*
I calmly passed out the tests and over heard this brief snippet...
"He had better have gotten a good grade on this thing we studied for hours last night." (while saying this I handed this mother her son's "A" test)
"I didn't understand that study guide so I just threw it out and told him that he had better pray that he already knows what he is doing because that thing is useless." (while saying this I handed this mother her son's "C" test)

"I can tell who studied using the guide just in the questions that they missed on the test. Kids who used the guide would occasionally make a few minor errors. Students who ignored the guide made obvious and huge mistakes."
"My daughter insisted that you took her study guide from her to grade so I called ****(name ommitted to protect the guilty) and her son confirmed that you had taken his as well."
"That is simply incorrect. I don't know what your son/daughter is referring to but I can assure you that once I handed out those guides I refused to touch them. They became the sole responsibility of the student. I checked them for the extra credit points but even then I made them hold their papers in front of their faces while I checked. I absolutely refused to touch them."
*students in the room confirmed this to be true, even the students who had previously lied to their parents*

The group had lost its power. It began to disband. A few students hugged me and said their goodbyes ("see you tomorrow, Miss 'Rand"). And then came the surprise, one parent separated from the group, the ringleader.

She came forward and hugged me, with tears in her eyes she said, "Thank-you, you really are a great teacher, Scot has been telling me that since the first day, I just wish that I had believed him then."
I was shocked.
"Don't worry about it. There is a lot of school year left."
She smiled.
"You're doing a great job."
I beamed. I glowed. I rejoiced. I did my happy dance inside my head.
"Thank-you."
She walked out of the room, son in tow, test held high, her "C" student had gotten his first "A"
The others watched in amazement. They had lost their ringleader. They had lost the battle. But more than that, they had lost the desire....because for the first time, they saw my heart.

class pet

a kind parent graciously purchased a class pet and all necessary supplies for my classroom. so i am now the proud teacher of a gerbil. tomorrow he will be introduced to his new fellow students...it is not a coincidence that tomorrow is only a half day! this was perfectly planned. i am so grateful. i cannot believe how a creature that costs $3.29 can need $65+ of supplies.

Honey Nut Sunsets

my sister is claiming that i have been in a really weird funk recently...honestly, i think that i have just been myself. Maybe she has forgotten just how weird i am. i ate a dinner of Cheerios on my doorstep so that i could watch the sunset. it was a beautiful meal...and if you squinted and turned your head just so it looked like a seascape: crashing waves paired with calm rippling waters, purple beaches,and blue horrizons. it was quite exquisite. too bad you missed it.

high expectations

being the 21st i have high expectations. the 21st is always the most anticipated day of my month. i just love it. the best things always happen then. i have high expectations for the 21st of each month and i am rarely disappointed. this month is no exception. this morning i woke up and it was easy to get out of bed. for those of you who have ever been remotely near me as i am waking up you know what a miracle this in and of itself was. however, it didn't end there. there were many small pleasantries about the day...small victories, small jokes, small amusements that added up to a wonderful day.

for example, i did all of my students' grades for the mid-quarter progress reports and my students are doing remarkably well. but (thanks to Durland's fine education on assessment) i was sure to check for that bell shaped curve that guarantees that i am not making it all too easy or to difficult for them. i am convinced that i have simply been blessed with the most talented fifth graders in the district. i just hope that their parents feel the same way.

also, the aforementioned reports are not due until next wednesday and i have already completed mine! I am ahead of schedule which is always a good feeling. Especially when other teachers freak out about it! today several teachers popped their head into my room (to interrupt my only 40 minutes of privacy during the day). they found me busy computing grades and when they realized what i was doing they all flipped out because i was so "organized" "on top of things" "ahead of the game" or "you're such an over achiever" lucky for them it is the 21st...otherwise they might have heard responses about how it is not that i am so ahead...they are simply behind, lazy, or incompetent....:-) I don't have a large amount of respect for people who are all talk and no action.

also, for no known reason, i thought that i had recess duty today, but that today was my day off (yippee!) so i had an extra twenty minutes that i had not counted on... i took off my shoes and waltzed between the rows and columns of desks. i hummed while cleaning the white boards. Most days i rush to the water fountain to fill up my water bottle. the water tastes remarkably like sucking on a metal blow pop. but today i had time to fill my water bottle with the gloriously clean bottled water from the teacher's lounge, i savored that all afternoon.

i got mail. i love mail.

i placed a book order. very happy.

i am finalizing my plans for next week (and its only tuesday!)

my students were good during Latin (always a plus...i hate it when they misbehave for other teachers...but i wonder why other teachers treat them so weird...they almost deserve the misbehavior for being so inconsistent with their rules)

i fell asleep as soon as i got home from work...but i woke up in time to watch the sunset and make a real dinner. don't tell anyone that i can cook...i am trying to hide that fact.

its been a pleasant day...i spent it smiling. all in all a good time.

E-harmony

Bull. As an author I have a deep respect for Dr. Neil Clark Waren the founder of e-harmony.com. that is I have no issue with his theories that people need to be compatible on multiple levels in order for their relationship to have a chance of succeeding. However, he really has gone overboad with this whole e-harmony thing. Have you heard the radio clips? They are ridiculous. These testimonials of how e-harmony helped them to find their soul mate...The one that completes them...Someone who can finish their sentences...Know their thoughts...Share their dreams. And while all of this sounds ever so appealing in theory, I honestly do not believe that these people are searching for a mate. They are searching for meaning, for purpose, for a relationship that cannot be satisfied in the flesh. They are looking for something that is eternal in these temporal jars of clay...How foolish. The fact that a Christian doctor is saying that he has helped these people to find their true meaning is even more disheartening than the hazy and dazed, momentarily satisfied individuals who are about to awake and find trouble in paradise.

Trouble in Paradise

Do you ever feel like the whole world is going right? Like nothing could be more beautiful? Only to have your breathe knocked out of you as the unthinkable happens? I don't know what the deal is this week but I have been hearing the tragedies of one paradise after another crumbling and failing by the wayside. I am watching dreams shrivel up and die. Not my own. So far I have only witnessed this second hand...And for now I would like to be nieve enough to believe that I am untouchable.

His mercies never come to an end

the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end
they are new every morning
new every morning
great is thy faithfulness oh Lord
great is thy faithfulness

smote

we have adopted a new word..."smote" not smittien but smote. i laughed so hard. i am waiting for the irreverence of it to strike me down (or smote me even!)

a small plan

i have been thinking about taking some writing classes over at kishwalkee community college over the next semester. maybe it could open up some more promising opportunities. plus i get a lot out of writing. its good for me. so if my writing could be multi-functional it would seem to be a win-win situation.

rositas

so a few friends and i went out to lunch at rositas after church today...we were there for hours. it was a good conversation. frustrating but good. i wish that i were better at communicating so that i could be more persuasive. i feel so lacking. i feel so right. but then i guess that is because my entire theology is based upon experiences.

seriously, a lot of what we have been talking about has made me rethink my choice in a church. i have been thinking that now would be a good time to sneak out. there are so many new people, i am sure that my absence will not be noted. i am not sure that i can stay under this theology. and i worry about the heart behind it all.

today's message was a perfect example of this. all of the right things were said...but i don't see us as a church living that out. sad. this is not a place that i feel comfortable bringing new and growing christians.

i have not yet really made a decision. i don't want to leave. i love the people there...i feel like i will be somehow hurting them if i go. i suppose that is simply pridefullness. but logically i see no reason to stay if i disagree with them on such a large and important issue.

its a lot to think about.

change of thought

i have been very worried as of late with "where" i am instead of being concerned with "who" i am. and frankly, the "who" could use a lot of improvement. who i am is something that i have control over, the "where" not so much. so after a change of thought i have decided on a change of focus.

eloping

so since i have to go through all of the hassle of replacing every important form if identity that i have ever possessed i was thinking.... that now would be a great time to elope. then i could just change my name while i was at it. i am available tomorrow afternoon. so give it some thought. love is after all a choice, unless you are calvinist. in which case you still believe that love is a choice...just not your choice.

i often wonder about my commitment phobia and i am contemplating if a very rash decision to elope may be the only way that i could ever decide that getting married would be a good idea...shock value is after all so much fun! so while i might be kidding, i might be serious. you decide which shoe fits.

confused

where do we stand? i don't know what the sum of all of these parts creates. it just isn't all adding up in my head any more. i thought that i knew what was going on. that was mistake number one. i should come to embrace the fact that if it has anything to do with relationships then i haven't got a friggin clue. i should just quit guessing and i should never, ever, ever, assume.

i may be in love

today i met hershey kisses filled with caramel...i may be in love.

jordan

i wonder when jordan will actually start blogging on his blog?

a fine line

just an observation:

in a relationship, have you ever noticed how right after someone makes the comment, "relationships take work" mere relational moments later someone is saying "this isn't working out for me"

such bi-polar ideas in such a close space. they are like magnets, opposites that are stuck together.

a true worshiper

i asked my pastor to speak at the first chapel that i was responsible for. he willingly agreed. i figured that he was a pretty safe bet considering that he had been a former principal of the school. then just days before the appointed day he tells me that he will be unable to speak...

i was immediately thrown into a complete panic. who would willingly come on such short notice, just five days to prepare? who else would willingly speak before so many small and impressionable minds? i needed somebody either completely seeped in christian school culture or someone who was entirely crazy and unsuspecting of what they were getting themselves into. i found the most perfect and unsuspecting victim. she agreed.

serita did a fantastic job! she is the worship leader at the NIU IV. a true worshiper. and she did such a great job of explaining to 4-6th graders just what being a true worshiper is all about and why God is worthy of our worship. it was beautiful. i was challenged. the kids talked about it all day. all of the staff was entirely impressed with her. i heard the following comments: "i've never seen the students pay such good attention" "what a great topic" "how appropriate" "she handled their questions so well" she made something that most adults don't fully understand easily accessible to students"

wow!

thanks for being faithful. you have inspired us all. we see Jesus when we look at you.

abre los ojos!

a new look, a new life, reborn.

i have decided that there are those who complain about life and there are those who change it. i am not going to settle for being only a complainer. i know for a fact that i am good at what i do. i have been a student long enough to know what a good teacher looks like. and while i have much to improve on, i can tell you that i am good. not in comparison to others, not according to standardized tests, or subject matter scores, but according to the standard of truth. i know that i can do this. and if all they have to complain about it the assignment books and recess time...then let them wallow in their "misery."

i have decided to open my eyes and see the good. not to ignore the bad but to have a focus that is pure.

i have decided to change this school not by fighting, because that will only cause more damage. rather, through love. i shall heap hot coals upon their heads through service, dedication, and compassion. not for revenge but for the strengthening of the body. for the edification of all. to the glory of God. i will do what is right, worthy and noble. i will teach with all of my heart. i will love with all my strength. i will serve with all of my might. with all of my soul i will offer up praise. that the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart will be pleasing only to God.

in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. amen and amen.

this is my life?

this is my life? i cannot believe it. i cannot believe how much i hate this. i have cried every night since school started. what was i thinking? i knew that i didn't like this when i did my student teaching. why does everyone keep saying that i am making a big deal out of nothing? please, tell me that everyone is not this miserable. i need out. i mean, i will finish this thing, but i have got to figure out something else for next year. i don't think that a change of location is all that i need. maybe. but i doubt it.

if i do only change locations please remind me not to give out my home phone number to parents. there is no where that i can go to escape this. i seriously keep waiting to wake up. i feel like i am living in a fog. i hear myself talking and i don't recognize the voice. i watch my shadow as i walk across the playground and i wonder who it is. i would run away in a heartbeat, if only i had someplace to run. there has got to be more to life than this shallow existence. i hate this. i am already dead. i am just waiting for the rest of the world to catch on.

summer was an eternity ago. i cannot remember a thing.

i want to go home. but where is that? when i was at my parents' that was not home. this is certainly not home. where do i go? i want to go home. i want to go home. this can't be my life. this can't be how it unfolds. this can't be real. this can't be happening. there is too much blue, its everywhere. soon i will wake up. soon the dream will be interrupted and i will be away from it all.

or what if death is like sleep. what if you dream after you die. what if the dream doesn't stop. it just keeps going and going...and you never quite realize where life ended and where eternity began. where you stepped out of time and into the endless loop of infinity. where you started to live the dream of death. what if this dream doesn't stop. what if this is my life? I must have done something horribly wrong. this is it? i can't believe it. this is my life?

there must be some mistake. check again. i am just checking. look again. i want to see where it says that this belongs to me. show me. this can't be right. i have never seen this before in my life. take it away and bring me that which is mine. go. repair the damage that has been caused. this is not mine. are you sure? there has been no mistake? check again. I am just checking. look again. are you sure? i don't care about the system. this is not mine i tell you. you've lost it. or i've lost it. either way this is not mine. will someone please claim this? will someone take this away? its not mine. i refuse it. i am just checking. this is not mine.

when you're gone

when you're gone, i wait for your return. for hours, for days, for weeks. then i fear that you are gone for good. i knew it would come to this. i had the time to prepare, but i wasted that time, ignoring the truth, living a fantasy.

when you're gone, i only remember the good times. did anything bad ever happen? did we ever fight? did we ever disagree? was it always sunshine and moonbeams? was everything always poetry?

when you're gone, i dream of all the could have, would have, should haves that would be my life if things had been different. if i had been different. if you had not changed. if only time could freeze. if only we could return to that river. but one can never step into the same river twice.

when you're gone, i dream without sleep. i talk without thinking. i perform without heart. i go through the motions without any of the spirit. my mind is consumed with waiting, with remembering, with dreaming.

when you're gone, i feel intensely. i cry harder, i laugh stronger, i yell louder, i hide more, behind the tears, the smiles, the frowns. like i am trying to overcompensate for having no one to share it all with. its a vain attempt to live. but harder, stronger, louder, more, never means the same as a shoulder, a nod, calm reassurance, or the truth.

when you're gone i call a million times a day with nothing to say, i just want to breathe.

when you're gone every one i see looks like you.

when you're gone every word i hear reminds me of that one time...

when you're gone i can smell you on my clothes or were these yours?

when you're gone i replay the conversations in my head like i am OCD and i need to check and keep checking to be sure that it was all real.

when you're gone everyone drives your car, walks your walk, and i do double takes all day. and all night too because you follow me home. you watch me in my apartment. i can feel your eyes, i can hear you whisper, i can see you smile.

when you're gone i do something new and imagine your reaction. i anticipate your comments. i do the same old thing and move about as if you were still there. i go through the motions of calling you up, and meeting you.

when you're gone you always stand me up. i wait for in waiting there is hope.

payment/ volleyball/ cheerleading

today i recieved my first paycheck. what a relief! i actually enjoyed sitting down and paying all of my bills this evening because for the first time in quite a while i can afford it. no more choosing between making a payment and buying groceries: i can do both!

i feel like a huge burden has been lifted. going to work will not be nearly as hard tomorrow. i am getting into a system for planning and grading that is workable, i think.

tonight i went to my girls' first volley ball game. it has been a while since i have watched fifth graders play at a sport that they are new to. i tried not to laugh. i did really well. there was absolutely no "volley-ing" going on out there. if the ball was luck enough to make it over the net on the serve, it was a miracle if the opposing team even touched the ball, let alone returned it. i was there for about an hour and i seriously don't think that the ball was ever served, and returned. wow. the patience that these coaches and referees must have... these girls would be better suited as cheerleaders.

funniest news of my week. the school asked me if i would like to coach the new cheerleading squad. ha! they have been rather pushy there so far so i wanted to make it clear to them in no uncertain terms that i was not the right cannidate for the job. so i looked kim dead in the eye and said, "i hate cheerleaders: i would rather die." all without so much as allowing my eyes to twinkle. i was dead serious. she was all, "ha ha, well, umm....you're not kidding?"
"nope"
"you won't even consider it?"
"well, if i am the squad coach then i get to make all of the decisions, right?"
"well, they have to be approved by the board, but yeah, you would be the one in charge."
"as my first decision, i would like to cancel all practices and performances and end the cheer program here at CCA"
she got the idea and left
imagine me coaching cheerleading! "we've come to show you our shoes!" ba-humbug! and in a christian school no less. christian cheerleaders...thats an oxymoron if i ever heard one. and have you ever seen a fifth grader try to walk down a hallway? it's impossible, they don't walk they ricochet or collapse in heaps. ha ha! coach aurand....that'll be the day!

for you to hear

Thursday, September 30, 2004

oxymoron

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Progress Reports

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

The Battle

Thursday, September 23, 2004

class pet

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Honey Nut Sunsets

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

high expectations

Monday, September 20, 2004

E-harmony

Trouble in Paradise

His mercies never come to an end

Sunday, September 19, 2004

smote

a small plan

rositas

change of thought

Saturday, September 18, 2004

eloping

confused

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

i may be in love

jordan

a fine line

a true worshiper

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

abre los ojos!

Thursday, September 09, 2004

this is my life?

Saturday, September 04, 2004

when you're gone

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

payment/ volleyball/ cheerleading

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