when you're gone
when you're gone, i wait for your return. for hours, for days, for weeks. then i fear that you are gone for good. i knew it would come to this. i had the time to prepare, but i wasted that time, ignoring the truth, living a fantasy.when you're gone, i only remember the good times. did anything bad ever happen? did we ever fight? did we ever disagree? was it always sunshine and moonbeams? was everything always poetry?
when you're gone, i dream of all the could have, would have, should haves that would be my life if things had been different. if i had been different. if you had not changed. if only time could freeze. if only we could return to that river. but one can never step into the same river twice.
when you're gone, i dream without sleep. i talk without thinking. i perform without heart. i go through the motions without any of the spirit. my mind is consumed with waiting, with remembering, with dreaming.
when you're gone, i feel intensely. i cry harder, i laugh stronger, i yell louder, i hide more, behind the tears, the smiles, the frowns. like i am trying to overcompensate for having no one to share it all with. its a vain attempt to live. but harder, stronger, louder, more, never means the same as a shoulder, a nod, calm reassurance, or the truth.
when you're gone i call a million times a day with nothing to say, i just want to breathe.
when you're gone every one i see looks like you.
when you're gone every word i hear reminds me of that one time...
when you're gone i can smell you on my clothes or were these yours?
when you're gone i replay the conversations in my head like i am OCD and i need to check and keep checking to be sure that it was all real.
when you're gone everyone drives your car, walks your walk, and i do double takes all day. and all night too because you follow me home. you watch me in my apartment. i can feel your eyes, i can hear you whisper, i can see you smile.
when you're gone i do something new and imagine your reaction. i anticipate your comments. i do the same old thing and move about as if you were still there. i go through the motions of calling you up, and meeting you.
when you're gone you always stand me up. i wait for in waiting there is hope.
posted by Trisha @ 1:08 AM
