this is my life?
this is my life? i cannot believe it. i cannot believe how much i hate this. i have cried every night since school started. what was i thinking? i knew that i didn't like this when i did my student teaching. why does everyone keep saying that i am making a big deal out of nothing? please, tell me that everyone is not this miserable. i need out. i mean, i will finish this thing, but i have got to figure out something else for next year. i don't think that a change of location is all that i need. maybe. but i doubt it.if i do only change locations please remind me not to give out my home phone number to parents. there is no where that i can go to escape this. i seriously keep waiting to wake up. i feel like i am living in a fog. i hear myself talking and i don't recognize the voice. i watch my shadow as i walk across the playground and i wonder who it is. i would run away in a heartbeat, if only i had someplace to run. there has got to be more to life than this shallow existence. i hate this. i am already dead. i am just waiting for the rest of the world to catch on.
summer was an eternity ago. i cannot remember a thing.
i want to go home. but where is that? when i was at my parents' that was not home. this is certainly not home. where do i go? i want to go home. i want to go home. this can't be my life. this can't be how it unfolds. this can't be real. this can't be happening. there is too much blue, its everywhere. soon i will wake up. soon the dream will be interrupted and i will be away from it all.
or what if death is like sleep. what if you dream after you die. what if the dream doesn't stop. it just keeps going and going...and you never quite realize where life ended and where eternity began. where you stepped out of time and into the endless loop of infinity. where you started to live the dream of death. what if this dream doesn't stop. what if this is my life? I must have done something horribly wrong. this is it? i can't believe it. this is my life?
there must be some mistake. check again. i am just checking. look again. i want to see where it says that this belongs to me. show me. this can't be right. i have never seen this before in my life. take it away and bring me that which is mine. go. repair the damage that has been caused. this is not mine. are you sure? there has been no mistake? check again. I am just checking. look again. are you sure? i don't care about the system. this is not mine i tell you. you've lost it. or i've lost it. either way this is not mine. will someone please claim this? will someone take this away? its not mine. i refuse it. i am just checking. this is not mine.
posted by Trisha @ 8:06 PM
