Stone Prairie
I just signed my lease for next year. I will be moving into my dream home...
here We love it and it is amazing. It will be good times, my friend, good times.
July 22 is the magical move in date in case anyone wanted to volunteer to help me. ;) Let's not everyone volunteer at once shall we?
Now I just need a job.
Week
I am leaving Tuesday morning. I am coming home Tuesday night.
I will spend a few days in the suburbs hanging out with my three girls (Megan, Sarah, and Katie) I hope to have pictures to share when I come back.
I am collecting my brother and his friends from a camp in Wisconsin.
I am helping to set up and celebrate my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary party.
I am watching my sister run in the 5K.
I am watching the parade by the Post Office.
I am Bar-B-Queing with my family and watching the fireworks in "Big Red" down by the river.
I have nothing to do this summer and it will keep me away from my apartment for a week. I love my life. I will miss my internet friends. See you next Tuesday.
Blue dream
I went to get my dresser from Jordan's house. He asked me if I had 10 minutes. I said "I have all day." I think that was where
we made the mistake. We went to walmart to get paint for his kitchen. After successfully choosing 2 gallons of dream blue we head back to his place. I was talking while opening the back door of my truck. I think that was where I made
my mistake. The paint fell onto the driveway spilling what appeared to be melted smurf everywhere. We saved what we could. I scrubbed it. He power washed it. Then he dumped acid of some sort on it. That was where he made
his mistake.
I felt really bad, and I was going to help him paint the kitchen at some point anyway...so I started taping it off right then and there while he talked to his girlfriend on the phone and washed his car (yeah, it takes me a long time to tape!). We paint it all blue. It looks great. Until he starts to take the tape off. It is going to take hours to make that kitchen look right!
I was just trying to help. And he was really nice about it all. But honestly, the blue dream would have gone on much smoother without me.
Great America, Great Times
Lauren and I went to Great America and we tried out several new roller coasters and the brand-new/just-in-time Hurricane Harbor...I can't remember a day when I have had so much fun! If you haven't been there you should go asap. My favorite ride was Superman because I felt safe...
I am well aware that you are
supposed to feel like you are going to die while riding on a roller coaster...that, after all, is part of the fun...that is why they say things like "thank-you for challenging the DejaVu and enjoy the rest of your day!" They want you to think that you have done something commendable. They want you to think that you have risked your very life and conquered. I however, would appreciate it if it only
felt that way instead of there actually being a
very real possibility of death (that I just happened to live through).
It was the perfect day to go to a theme park. The weather was beautiful and the lines were short. We rode everything that our little hearts desired to ride (except for Lauren, whose little heart desires to ride too many corkscrew things, she had to do without some things). All was well and good until it came time to ride the DejaVu. I guess that I knew from the beginning that this ride was going to be crazy...I don't really like going backwards and that is half of the ride...as it turns out that was not the part that I needed to worry about.
I guess that I mustn't have gotten my harness thing tight enough... all I know is that the employee hastily "checked" it before I even had the seat belt on...and then the ride started. When the ride is moving the speed of it will hold you into your seat but when you are dangling in the air you need the harness. For this particular ride you need the harness THREE times and each time I was convinced that I was mere moments from being hurled into the ground 110 feet below me. Just a slight wiggle one way of the other and I was sure that I would be the next statistic of a fatality at a theme park. I wondered if they would mention that I was a teacher. I wondered if my loved ones would know that they were loved. I wondered if my life had mattered. And then the ride was over and I was still alive. So thankful to still be breathing that I didn't release my harness when necessary and I was actually stuck on the ride for a moment longer than my fellow passengers. I wanted to kiss the ground. But instead we went on the next coaster.
My head is still spinning.
I went to
Six Flags today and I had a great time...I would do it all again, except I might eat some cotton candy instead of challenging the DejaVu again...I like to quit while the cards are still stacked in my favor.
Not to worry
I am done feeling sorry for myself. Don't pity me or show me any form of sympathy. I was just being pathetic. I really want to delete my previous post but I am going to leave it there to remind me of my stupidity. Maybe this humiliation will teach me something.
i
HATE myself!
i have never felt so sorry for myself. the truth is i know i deserve this. the truth is i lie. the truth is i thought i was doing the right thing. the truth is i should have kept my mouth shut, even if he did already know. the truth is i will never have what i most desperately want. i am the flesh-and-blood personification of the handmaiden.
may i die young.
A Bit of Ska to Top off the Day
My roommate is desperately attempting to learn a song that she is going to play for church tomorrow with a ska twist...it's a really hard thing to pick up. But to me just picking up
a guitar is a really hard thing to do so... I have every confidence that she will get it by tomorrow.
My room is still incredible crowded. But thanks to a certain Lauren-friend my old apartment is ahead of schedule for my Monday appointment to turn in my keys.
Looking for a new apartment right after moving is a hard,
hard thing to do. We
really like ground floor apartments...no matter how cool the view is from the third floor or how fantastic the windows are. ;) I know that it's going to come down to the hard decision of picking the most affordable housing scenario...rather than picking the one that we like the best. Money can be such a hindrance. But we can always dream, can't we?
In the mood of my ska-learning roommate ... I am off. Ska gives you too much energy to sleep.
Made Possible
I thought that I would not have my computer up and running for quite some time but after I got off the phone this evening I realized that since my phone service is being scewy I should at least regularly check my e-mail....so I pieced together the pieces of my computer. It always takes less time than I think that it is going to take...this computer is so conveniently color coded and all: it's just a snap, click and a plug away from running at any given moment.
So this evening's blogs are made possible by the kind people who developed dummy proof computers that even
I can assemble quickly and effortlessly so that I still have enough time to blog. ;) Thank You.
No One Knows Where I Live
I have officially moved. I am cleaning out the old place this weekend and turning in the keys on Monday morning.
A special special thanks to all of the sweet sweet people who helped me haul all of my crap around or who let me store my junk in their garage or who let me use their truck...you guys are the bestest bestest. I hope that I can count on you all again for the "Big Move" that will take place in eight short weeks. :D
Also, my new roommies are awesome! We completely organized our kitchen in 20 minutes...it was freakin' awesome! (Let me tell you it takes a
"special" girl to get excited about the rate at which things are unpacked ;) )
This has been a really crazy couple of days. I am really quite emotional on a regular basis but it kinda seems like these past few days have been above and beyond. I mean really high highs an really low lows. I was sobbing because I couldn't find an alarm clock last night! It was really pathetic. My point is that if you do have the misfortune of encountering me...please excuse me...I am a little slow....
I don't know why this move has been so emotional. I am really sad to leave my old place. I was grabbing some of the last stuff tonight as the sun was setting and it was like I watched as two great years of my life flashed before my eyes. I wandered from room to room watching the memories unfold and replay in my head. I ended up just watching my beautiful view of the sunset one last time from my doorstep. As I was locking up my door tonight my frog jumped off my doorstep...it made me cry but I was glad that I got to see my "pet" one last time. I am going to miss that apartment.
The end of one era is the beginning of a new era. And I can't wait to see what this next one looks like. Looks like it is going to be the best yet! We shall see.
To the multitudes of people that tried to call me at some point today and did not reach me.....
I regret to inform you that even though I am on summer vacation I cannot be at home sitting by the phone all summer.
Thank you to all of you who were simply calling to see if I wanted to hang out. I love you
and your ability to be spontaneous
as well as your kindness for including me. You are the easiest people in the world to be friends with.
As a further note for the curious: if you do not know of my whereabouts there is no need to assume that I 1) have been kidnapped 2) have been injured 3) have gone and eloped or 4) hate you and never want to speak to you again (although if you keep on
assuming 1, 2, and/or 3 you might be forcing me to enact 4 ;) ) I am just giving ya'all a hard time...
but seriously there are days when I just need to disappear and not be reached by phone. I know that it is selfish. But trust me the important stuff will keep until tomorrow...I love ya!
Same Ol' Song and Dance
So I have started wading through the internet trying to find a place to live in my new city (this information is considered confidential at this point so don't bother asking me where it is). But I tell you it is considerably difficult trying to find an apartment that will allow me to live there with Westley (and this is before they meet his horrid self!). I have considered ever so briefly giving him away since he drives me crazy nine times out of ten but I cannot even bring myself to seriously consider the idea. I mean, YES, he drives me bananas but I cannot give him away he's
my cat! So basically, as usual, I have no idea what I am going to do. But I think I might be getting good at waiting...We shall see.
Something Tangible to Remind Her
She tucked the postcard into a manila folder. He hadn't really wanted her to mail it in the first place, she reasoned. To him it was just a dumb survey; to her it was something to hold on to. She hesitated, and then pulled the file.
The file was placed on the bed carefully. She climbed up next to it and tucked her legs beneath her. She gazed at the closed file for a moment. She didn't touch it; just stared at it resting her chin in her hand. The air around her grew heavy; it was a humid, sticky air that clung to her skin. She found it hard to breathe. She glanced over her shoulder before moving to open it. Reaching for the file she noticed that her hand was shaking, her hand hovered for a moment above the file as she watched it spasm beyond her control. She concentrated on steadying herself for a full minute before she closed her eyes and sighed in frustration, it was really no use. Her eyes flashed open and she grabbed at the folder. Hastily she opened it and spilled the contents over the sheets. She spread out the collection in sheer manic rapture. She spent the next several hours poring over all that this file contained. There were letters, and pictures, and notes, and movie tickets, tickets to plays, receipts from restaurants, dried wild flowers, name tags, and CDs. All of these were neatly labeled with dates and short descriptions. "From: Him/2-7-04/songs." "For my birthday." "Our 4th date." Perhaps the most interesting of all of this was the notebook. Through scribbles that were barely legible she read bits of her own synopsis; what she had learned of him.
Winter is his favorite season/He prefers the moon to the sun/He got glasses on 1-8-05; he doesn't like them/50 First Dates/Elton John/Secret Window/Hates pizza/The Island of Capri, Spain, Italy, Peru, Australia/Doesn't like spaghetti/Israel Kamamawiwo'ole/28 Days Later/It bothers him when I pick up toads/Hated my hometown/Amelie/Will not be persuaded/Laughs at me for being scared/It bothers him that I don't know Spanish/Romeo + Juliet/Doesn't like coffee but he will drink whatever the cashier recommends/Gets nervous when I lead down winding paths, barefoot/Schindler's List/Refuses to see me at night/ Last Samurai/Incredibly good at finding images online/Rugby is his favorite sport/Loves quotes/Not opposed to tattoos/X-box/Popcorn is bad/Valentine's Day is his favorite///He thinks he knows meShe swam through this information pooled on her bed. Some of it made her laugh. Some brought her to tears. All of it was valuable. She began to collect the scattered memories, scooping them up in her arms. She carefully re-folded and sorted till the file was again neat and orderly. This was the way that she liked it. This was the
only way.
Gently she ran her fingers across the file's computer generated label that was simply his name: Javier. She returned the file to its place. She shook her head as she looked at them all. Amy, Adam, Amanda, Aaron, Jen, Joy, Li, Shandy, Tasha, Kimmy, Mark, Beky, Elaina, Paul, Scott, Faith, Dave, Beth, Laura, Kate, Brian, Nikki, Vanessa, Todd, Spring, Chris, Will, Jeremy, Maggie, Andrew, Samantha, Mitchell, Kim, Lisa, Lauren, Jordan. Each file was a friendship. Each file was full. Each file ends the same, "He thinks he knows me" or "She thinks she understands."
If this was where her collection ended I could describe it as being sentimental and a little odd. I could characterize her as a silly girl obsessed with structure, a bit forgetful and in need of reminders, a collector of tangible memories, well loved, and blessed with such a number of deep friendships. But her collection did not end here. Underneath each white computer label that bore each name was a three digit number. In order to find each number I had to carefully steam and push back the lower right hand corner of each label on each file. These were the codes that were needed to access the computer files that I found hidden on her hard drive. She had appropriately named them "the dark files." I had hoped that these files would help me to solve the mystery of her disappearance. I had hoped to find a clue. I had hoped to "get into her head" enough to at least make some educated guesses as to what might have become of her. To offer some comfort to her family and friends.
What I found made me hope that she was dead.
All the time in the world
I have all of the time in the world so you would think that I would be posting here like crazy...However I find that when I have all the time in the world I have a whole new agenda, a whole new set of priorities. I like it better like this, for reasons that perhaps are different than you may imagine. I am now free to think and ponder and dream away every moment of my day...I am no longer forced to jot down a few brief thoughts, or recount some dull tale in order to "process;" I
live my processing. Its a great freedom.
Summer
I can't get over how much I am enjoying this summer and it has only been 5 days so far! I am reading through a gloriously huge stack of books. I am organizing and filing (some of my very favorite OCD activities). I have visited my mother and grandmother and great-grandmother. I have caught up with old friends. Started new relationships. Cleaned out my classroom (well, I haven't quite finished doing that yet). Started some interesting research. And I am in the process of compiling a list of activities that I want to accomplish prior to my 30th birthday...gives me a couple of years to get my act together. ;) I lazily sleep through afternoons. I take long walks. I drive with the windows down and the radio up. I love my job.
I am well aware that you are supposed to feel like you are going to die while riding on a roller coaster...that, after all, is part of the fun...that is why they say things like "thank-you for challenging the DejaVu and enjoy the rest of your day!" They want you to think that you have done something commendable. They want you to think that you have risked your very life and conquered. I however, would appreciate it if it only felt that way instead of there actually being a very real possibility of death (that I just happened to live through).