Theater
Last night was the last day that I will ever see my theater group...and I am so happy about that! Not because I disliked them in anyway, rather, because we are all exempt from the final exam so there is no need for us to be getting together anymore. Now, while I complained a great deal about this theater class, in particular this nonsense about writing and producing an original play, I was aggravated because of the amount of work that goes into such a process and I was really just looking forward to chilling out this semester. Plus, I was annoyed that I had to be a "good" group member and not totally slack. All in all I ended up with a great group of people. The producers were harsh and they demanded too much of my time. Some of our group members did not pull their own weight. But last night I realized that it was all worth it.
Sometimes, you realize the benefit of your hard work once you are recognized for your accomplishments. And other times, like last night, you realize just how very far you have come in the course of a few weeks, you glimpse how much you have learned, you reflect on all the times that you have laughed with these people, you recognize how in watching other's productions you have become more critical and more appreciative, you notice the details, you see the play, you feel the emotions, you live in theater. And while it was a pain, in most respects, you begin to remember only the good times. And you become truly thankful that this was a part of your educational experience. Because instead of just watching theater, reading about theater, and taking notes on theater...we were
living it...we were
doing it...and it
felt fabulous.
There have been very few times when I have been so out-of-my-element-uncomfortable and yet so entirely excited about where I was. I did not have a large role in yesterday's "world premier" of
Going Home however, my nerves were shot. I was simply responsible for the lighting and the set (I obviously also had the assistance of two wonderful individuals whose names I still do not know because they were there so infrequently...however they did manage to show up for the production, help me get the set up/down in a timely fashion, and contributed to the overall success of the play). But it was so good to feel such a solidarity with this group of people. We had worked hard in previous weeks to pull this all together and we had complained together about what a pain this class was. But on the night of the performance, as we all showed up an hour early we each began to share how "worth it" this experience had been to us. We had all come to appreciate theater in a way that we did not know to be possible, previous to this experience. For crying out loud, we had 15 people to produce a 5 minute play with only 1 main actor (with 5 very minor supporting roles, two of which were simply voice overs). And it was hard work. Physical work. Mental work. A good balance. Before class began I was really struck by all of the good that had come from my being in this one class. From the NIU productions that I have attended, to the demos that I have drug poor Kim to, to the friendships that I have built, to the complex reactions of others. Honestly, I have gotten in several fights because of these plays. I have built friendships because of these plays. I have had any number of physical and emotional responses to what has happened during this class. And I am glad for all of it. It has helped to shape me in some small (and some not so small) ways. Before class even began last night I reevaluated my thinking and decided that I was very glad that I had not signed up for the traditional section where all they did was learn
about theater. And I was fully confident that I had somehow made the right decision by registering for this section where we were allowed (forced even) to
live theater. What an experience. What a joy.
So everything went phenomenally well. Our actors were fantastic! They gave the very best performance that I have ever seen from them. Our producers, directors, dramaturgs, stage crew, everyone pulled together beautifully to give a great performance. And the jury thought so too. We won for best overall performance, meaning that our entire group is exempt form the final. I am so proud to be a part of that. But even if we were not exempt, I would still have enjoyed this experience.
I love to learn and learn I did.
Recent Readings
I just finished this fantastic book
Requiem for Love. I was truly impressed. It is all about the creation and fall of mankind. It is slightly allegorical, very similar to writings of Milton's Paradise Lost and J. R. R. Tolkien's Ring Triology. Deep, thoughtful, poignet, moving, emotional, poetic. I loved it.
I was especially pleased because I am currently doing a study on the women of the Bible and Eve, who was obviously the main character of this book, was one of the women that I have studied. It was a fresh perspective, that although it was fictional dialog, the sentiments were very real. I believed it. And I felt it. As a young person I would always look down on Eve. She had only one limitation. One command to follow. She daily, physically walked with
God, the creator of heaven and earth. And she blew it. Dumb.
But this book really brought her sin to a personal level. A level that I could not only relate to but I saw her sin as a pattern in my own life. The sin that Eve committed was momentary and brief. I have committed virtually the same sin, repeatedly, frequently, completely. So while it brought into full view the ugliness, it was also a beautiful picture of grace and mercy. Whoever reads the Old Testament and does not see a gracious and loving God is not reading the same book that I am.
Anyhow, beautiful book. Easy read. I cannot wait to get the second part of this trilogy.
Returning to the calm
I found a little bit of myself this weekend. I feel like I am starting to piece back together that person that I was, the one that I liked. I am finding her again piece by piece. But it is hard and I have to
really look, search, dig, deeper. It hurts but it's rewarding.
This weekend I remembered that I love to read. I forgot. I still roam bookstores and libraries. I still naturally gravitate toward bookshelves, looking longingly, I long for the knowledge and the adventure, the reality and the fiction. I love the escape and the conviction. I remembered that on Saturday. As I curled up to read, I realized that this was a small part of myself, the "myself" that I have missed, found again.
And I sighed, relieved that this small part of the journey was completed. Smiled, glad that there is still the journey to come. Nodded, knowing that I would be happier if I did not again forget that I love to read.
I will remember and I will read.
Just one more step toward being myself, the myself that I like.
The VitaMix Scam
So while I was at my parents' house over the weekend I actually received some mail that was addressed to me. Sure, it was only an advertisement for some blender thing but having nothing better to do I decided to thumb through it. Needless to say I became quite intrigued in this high quality blender thing that they referred to as the VitaMix (and they would be entirely offended if they read this and saw how many times I have referred to it as a "blender thing" because they are adamant that it is so far superior to blenders that it be called nothing less than a VitaMix!) Anyway, it sounded like a good thing, so I decided that ordering one would not be an entirely bad idea, it comes with a 7 year unconditional guarantee and it was 30 days same as cash if I was in any way whatsoever dissatisfied with this unbelievable product. Plus, it came with recipes and other free junk. I was entirely drawn in. I was ready to order. I was dialing the toll free phone number with one hand, whipping out my credit card with the other when this brochure fell open to the mail-in order form tucked so neatly in the center. Surrounded by all of the bright glossy pictures of fruit smoothes, fresh homemade bread, and satisfied customer testimonials was one simple white postcard that held information that was nowhere else to be found. The price of this culinary masterpiece.
Let me tell you...after scooping my jaw up off the floor I quickly informed the all too perky sales associate that had just answered my call that I was no longer interested. These crazy people, regardless of their physical health, are mentally sick! They wanted me to pay them
$605 for a
blender! For crying in the mud! I can go out and buy a fruit smoothie from
Caribou for everyday for the rest of my life and not pay that much money. I cannot believe how dangerously close I came to spending a whole lot of money that I do not have. I mean that blender is more than three times my rent! Ha! I think that the people over there have been eating too much lotus flower or something 'cause they have truly lost it. I could go out and my a new blender every year for the next 12 years of my life and not spend that much money. It is a basic kitchen appliance! Anyhow I am protesting by refusing to purchase. End of story.
Coppertone Aloe and Vitamin E Lip Balm with Sunscreen SPF 15
I was walking through WalMart the other day...Just killing some time when I saw my very favorite lip balm of the summer. I'm telling you this stuff is the greatest.
So, my friend bought it for me, and I am thankful each and every time that I put it on. Maybe because it is the best lip balm ever, or maybe because it reminds me of shopping in WalMart waiting for an oil change. Either way, right now I am thankful.
Pushing Jordan
So I said something really mean and stupid on Sunday and I am really feeling rather horrid about it. Jordan has called me a couple of times over the expanse of the last few weeks and I have not returned his calls or I have explained that I was not able to talk at the current moment and would have to get back to him (which I never did). This was not intentional...Well, not horribly intentional. I was busy, and his messages were something like, "well, I just wanted to talk, nothing too important, give me a call when you have time." So I just blew it off as nothing too important. But then I went and had to be all mean about it.
Jordan came up during our little meet-and-greet time at church and was all, "you never called me!" With all this fake righteous indignation...I knew that he was just giving me a hard time and that it was no big deal, but he irked me so I just smiled and said, "I guess I was just too busy, was there something that you needed to tell me?"
"Not really, I was just calling to talk, you know, kind of..."
"...Testing to see if the lines of communication were still open?"
"yeah!"
"and now that I have repeatedly avoided your calls for two weeks how do you feel about those lines of communication?"
"confused"
"good" I then turned and walked away.
I am a jerk, plain and simple. My not returning his phone calls was not a function of the fact that I in any way desired to confuse him, I simply had been too busy, distracted, not overly concerned that he really needed to talk with me. But instead of being honest, I saw a way to be cruel and I pounced on it...
in church! How pathetic! I just wanted to mess with his head and so I did. That is highly inappropriate and I am going to go find that boy right now and apologize. I have had way too much time to think about it and now I am truly starting to loath myself.
What exactly is my issue with pushing people?
I missed all of my classes on Monday and that is a bad, bad time. I am so glad that I am back in school now but I hate that I have missed so much. I hate that I have missed anything at all. It really is not more work or anything because my course load is relatively easy this semester but I really just love school and I want to soak it all in. Who knows when, if ever, I will be able to do this again. I cannot believe that I am graduating on May 8th,
of this year! I'm not ready to move on. I like this too much. I love attending classes, writing papers, completing projects, I don't even mind group work that much anymore. And yes, some of my classes are a royal pain, but ultimatly I am enjoying doing this, here, now and I can't imagine enjoying anything else nearly as much.
That is not entirely true there are some things that I would equally enjoy. Working at
Lakeshore, I would love that. Joining the
Peace Corps, that would be amazing. Studying in
Europe, writing for real, that would be phenominal. But everyone fights me tooth and nail.
"get a real job, that pays"
"it is entirely different once you are being paid for a job"
"27 months! Are you crazy?"
"It's time to get your head out of the clouds."
I personally like living with my head in the clouds, thank-you very much. I have been trying to live without my little dream world and that doesn't work out too well for me. I get crabby, judgemntal, angry, I panic, freak-out, you get the idea. I want to go back to being care free. Is that possible anymore? I want to revert back to my pre-control-freak-self. Where I trusted people. I am going to figure something out.
Phones. I hate 'em. I love the people that call me but why do we have to live all over the far flung countryside? For crying in the mud.
People excuse phones because they
allegedly improve communication. Balderdash! Phones cause far more problems than they help to solve. And if phones did not make communications so cheap, easy, and accessible to nearly every human being on the face of the planet than maybe people would start thinking before they up and decide to move to the edge of the globe. *sigh* crazy people.
I much prefer face to face communication. So that I can hear the intonations of your voice instead of the static. And I want to see the gestures that accompany the story. And I want to see the sarcasm. The jokes. The way you laugh.
I miss you and this stupid phone is not helping a darn thing.
Yes, I am frustrated.
Yes, I am bitter.
But things are looking up. For example, at least I am now being honest with myself, right?
Plus, for the first time in a long time I am setting
new goals and I am dreaming
new dreams.
Yes, I wasted a lot of time. A lot of energy. A lot of money. On who knows what.
I cannot change what I have done. But I
am changing.
Everything.
Thank God.
I have spent hours here at the computer lab working on school . . .
First, I was printing off stuff for my classes, taking notes, doing general research, blah, blah, blah. All because I felt guilty for missing all of my classes yesterday when I was sick (more on that latter). Then I started looking for a job online. It is sheer craziness. I have bookmarked about a hundred sites with online applications and I need to figure out all of this pointless/trivial educational jargon . . . *sigh*
Question: is it a good sign that you are ready for your career of choice if you cannot even fill out the applications without help? I think not! Either
this school sucks or I have not been paying attention to my education for the last five years. And
if I have not been paying attention to my education what
exactly have I been so focused on? Certainly not my relationships (family, friends, boyfriends, ask them, they all feel ostracized). Certainly not my faith- I believe in less now than I ever have. Certainly not my job- I have been fired or walked off of every job I have held in the past few years, I have shown up but not really been committed to anything.
Where have I been? What a waste of life. I need to pull it all together. I am fully ashamed of my current position in life. I could have done so much better. Look around. Every one else did.
I have said goodbye to the tagboard, it was messing up my archiving abilities. Until I get smarter, they will have to be gone. adios.
Falling hurts. Plus then you feel stupid. Then it gets in the way of previously planned events and basically just screws everything up. Try not to fall. 'cause falling hurts
Falling hurts. Plus then you feel stupid. Then it gets in the way of previously planned events and basically just screws everything up. Try not to fall. 'cause falling hurts
