I wasn't expecting
I wasn't expecting to feel this way.
I didn't think that after all this pain I would hesitate.
Not even for a moment did I imagine this.
I was expecting triumph.
I thought I would never look back.
I imagined that the time would fly.
For this emotional moment I am torn. For somewhere along this long and tired year of speculation, trepidation, intimidation, manipulation and condescension I found a peace. I found a love. That runs deeper. All that glitters isn't gold.
It glittered from afar and shattered upon closer inspection but after sifting through the broken shards, after shredding my hands on the bits and pieces, after cutting my arms in pain and searching, I have found a
true substance that is hard to leave. I hesitate.
I wasn't expecting to feel this way. I walk on. I look back. I walk on. I remember. and I sing just as they taught me "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....."
Waiting tables
I have always wanted to be a waitress at some point or another and as of yet I have not had the pleasure of being so employed. However, at the rate that I am going with the "teaching job search" waiting tables in the near future looks as though it may become a very real possibility.
Other random things that I would love to try include working as a flight attendant, joining the peace corps (or ameri-corps for my mother's sake), working at a hotel (but in some fun vacationy spot), being a live-in nanny (at this point katy is shaking her head and saying, "has she learned
nothing from me?"), work at a museum, give tours pretty much anywhere, go back to work as a camp counselor....You know if I had my dream I would be a summer camp counselor year round (so that means that summer would have to be year round or maybe I could just move someplace where seasons are measured but the amount of rainfall as opposed to hours of sunshine/temperatures).
anyhow, the school has officially announced that I will not be returning next year (like it is some big traumatic thing or something) but I really enjoyed the fact that they stated that my reason for not returning was that I was considering furthering my career by completing my masters degree....I am what? As fun as that would be I don't remember citing that as a reason for my leaving...Silly school.
Too Much
I have been kinda jumpy since I started living alone. Don't get me wrong....I am loving it, but there are a few random moments when I have over reacted. Por ejemplo...
I was dusting. I scooped up some papers and books and things off of an isolated shelf. Months ago something glass had shattered in that general area, I don't really even remember what it was, but as I grabbed up the contents of that shelf I sliced my finger on something sharp. It was an awkward cut, deep, and very bloody...and my
very first thought as I first saw my blood was "what if I die alone here?" Thankfully that didn't send me into a panic ;) but as I was digging glass out of my finger for the next several minutes I laughed at myself for over reacting.
The next night I didn't really want to go to bed. I was randomly scared of the dark (I will never understand this fear and its ability to come and go). However, I convinced myself that all would be well. I considered praying about it before I went to sleep...you know, kneel beside the bed, ask God to protect you...but I somehow thought that it was too foolish a request and that I just needed to go to sleep. Sleep was not altogether possible. I kept hearing sounds. Weird noises. After checking and rechecking locks I finally demanded that I close my eyes and not move a muscle rationalizing that sooner or later my own exhaustion and sleep would meet. I was just drifting into a trance like sleep when I was sure that I heard someone opening a window in my living room. It was unmistakable. I contemplated the options, I went to switch on my light and realized that our stupid power was out again. So I waited and told myself I was crazy. Then I heard someone step onto the kitchen tile. I honestly thought I was going to die. After silently locking my bedroom door I inched slowly to my bed where I knelt down and fervently prayed...I didn't care how "childish" it was. At some point I did fall asleep. The next morning I was convinced that I had over reacted and dreamed it all up. That is until I saw the window screen laying next to the window. Then I was just thankful that I knew how to pray.
Forgotten Cat
My cat drives me nuts sometimes. In fact some days I don't even remember why I like him at all. He just whines all of the time. And he doesn't like you to touch him. And he bites. But he just
has to be in the same room with you. Then there is the constant in/out thing...He whines to come in and then he whines to go out. He can really be quite annoying.
I used to think that he acted like this because we were not home enough to make him happy or something. Somehow I felt guilty for abandoning my cat all day. I had to remind myself several times that cats are not "social" animals. Who's great idea was it to domesticate these beasts? Sure they are fascinating to watch in the .3 hours a day that they are awake...But what about the rest of the time when they are grouchy or sleeping and they get mad at you because you need the book that they have chosen to take their nap on?????
When he was a kitten he would snuggle and sleep with me. It was pretty much the only time that he was good. But now that he has turned into a huge fat cat he just bothers me at night walking on me from my toes to my head, kneading his paws and snapping at me. I tend to toss him off of me pretty quickly. Then he starts knocking stuff off of bookshelves and dressers. Not accidentally. Nope he gets behind it and then nudges it with his paw to the edge, watches it fall and then looks to me to gauge my reaction. I am a slow learner. It took me a couple of weeks to figure out that I needed to start locking him out of my room when I went to bed. He whines at the door for a while but that I can ignore...At least he isn't knocking my alarm clock onto the floor anymore!
The other night I forgot about him. I had let him outside and then I never let him back in. Right as I was drifting off to sleep (about midnight) I heard him start up his whining. I just assumed that he was whining at my door wanting to come in and pounce on my head. I ignored him for hours. Literally it was 4:45 before I got out of bed determined to silence him by any means necessary (I get
more than a little annoyed when my sleep is
continually interrupted). That was when I realized the he was stuck outside. Oops. My poor neighbors. I let him in and he shut up instantly. He was almost even "social." Maybe he needs to become an outside cat.
My Last Monday
I am a person who likes defined beginnings and endings. I often embrace change so long as I can look forward to it. In this respect teaching is the perfect career for me. There are clearly defined "starting" and "stopping" points. I don't decide when to have my vacation, however I think that in the grand scheme of things whoever put this schedule together was a pretty good thinker. We get all weekends, important (and a few unimportant) holidays, and of course there is the blissful summer. There are the blurry lines of work/personal life because of the demanding schedule. It is not the sort of job that you can "punch in/out" and just put in the time. You have to spend many a non-school hour in preparation for the hours ahead. My point in all of this is that this is my last Monday. I couldn't be more thrilled (well, I
could be but we can save that utopian thinking for another day. I am so looking forward to this end. Not because it was horrible but because I am ready to start something new. I am ready for a clean slate. I don't even mind waiting to hear back from prospective employers...I am just to happy to be worried about it. Because this is my last Monday, and I lived through what is allegedly going to be one of the hardest years of my professional life. I have learned much.
I have found
I have found more of these things in the past week than in
months of previously painstaking searches.
Flip side
I thought that I loved summers when I was a student. I eagerly counted down the days but not until the tables were turned did I realize just how very much I love summer. No summer in the history of the world has been as anticipated as this one. My students think that they are eager to be free but I can assure you that they are no where near as eager as I am.
I am having a great time acquainting myself with a new band, they are well worth your attention!
Seth, thanks for the CD you rock (your face off). Good times are full speed ahead.
Scars
I am not quite sure what my facination is with this
song...but I can't stop singing it.
"Scars"
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is
[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
[Chorus]
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
[Chorus x2]
Solve for Y
There are so many unknowns in my life right now...
Where am I going to work?
Where am I going to live?
What am I doing with my life?
Is there something that I am missing?
Am I ever going to have enough time?
Will I always feel lonely?
How long will I remember?
When will I forget?
Is the best buy feeling real?
Is it worth it?
Why did the ring only cost $6.50?
Why don't other people get that a $6.50 whim is priceless?
Who will stand by me?
Who will share in the laughter and the tears?
When will I trust?
When will I learn?
I spent the evening pondering some unknowns and discussing life as only good friends with hot tea can do. It was a relaxing evening. We decided to pray before I headed home. With solemn hearts we bowed our heads and began to pray. All was well until she said something about us needing patience with "...all the unknowns in life." I kinda scoffed under my breath and added out loud that we should "solve for X" thinking that life would be great if it were as simple as an algebraic equation. We were mildly amused at our joke until she added the comment "yeah, what is Y?" At this both of our heads snapped up...our eyes locked...we had both heard her question as "what is 'why'?" and started
cracking up. We both had a lot of "why" questions that we wanted answered. Wouldn't you agree that knowing what all of the "whys" were and having those questions answered would be a mighty fine conclusion to our little prayer? Although God didn't answer us directly, I think that we both became a little more aware that while we might not have all of the answers...God knows what He is doing, we can trust Him with our "whys."
So long
It has been so long since I have even attempted to sign in to blog that I actually had to
stop and
think about what my password and user name are...While I recognize that it has been (
only)12 physical days since my last post, let me assure you that the time on an emotional level has been much longer. Thankfully, I remembered the vital sign in information and now the posting may resume.
The pendulum swings
I want it. I need it. I can't live without it.
It hurts me. It heals me. I feel invincible.
I look at my life and I see endless choices and decisions. I see people watching me for whatever reason. God has blessed me and kept me and my choices have always made them proud. But what if, I climbed down off this pedestal for just a moment and made the mistake of my life.
Would they still love me: unconditionally. Would they forgive me: without reservation. Would they support me: anything that is within their means and then some. That is true love. But what of it?
I want something I cannot have.
Should I fight for it? That would be brave.
Should I die for it? That would be tragic.
Should I live for it? That would bring pain.
Should I lie for it? That would be easy.
Should I fall for it? That. Would. Work.
How was this plan born in my heart? Perfected in my dreams? and justified in my thoughts? I have fostered an idea so deceptive, I shudder. I hold it at arms length; but I cling to it.
Should I wait for it? That would be wise, painful, but worth it.
right?
Slow in posting
While visiting with a dear friend today, she asked me what the problem was with my blog...I was confused, she then said that she just assumed that something was the matter with either the blog or her ability to read the blog since there had been no new postings in the past several days. There is no problem, except for the faults that can be found with the one who posts(me).
Many things in life are worth bloggging about. However, sometimes I become increasingly aware that I have an audience here (small though it may be) and that I cannot simply type every fleeting heartbeat without a consequence to pay. With this in mind, I have held my tongue in order to keep better guard over my heart. All is personal. Besides I have been treasuring my secrets. Savoring them like a forbidden sweet. Best friends are for confiding in. Blogs are for telling the world. As of late, I have lived, I have confided, I have protected, I have
cherished the moments.
